Premiere Pro Will NOT Run on X299 7980XE

Well this sucks.

Combined my old rig with some new parts to make a new workstation PC and Premiere literally won't run. It freezes at opening/making a project and nothing will work.

Here's a brief screencap video i recorded showing the problem in action.

I've left Premiere alone in this Not Responding state for as much as 30 or more minutes with nothing changes. It can use 400-500MB of RAM or 4-6GB of RAM. No consistency. CPU and RAM usage is unchanging as it sits there. While open, Premiere is utilizing 2 random CPU threads at 100%

This is a fresh Windows 10 x64 installation. Full "Fall Creators Update" latest public updates.

Things I have tried:

• Clearing the cache files (there aren't any, new Windows install)
• Updating GPU drivers (on the latest, new Windows Install)
• Switching Premiere from CUDA to Software mode when making a new project
• Opening old projects
• changing the cache location before making a new project
• changing Cache and scratch location before making a new project
• Changing target location of new project creation
• Reinstalling Premiere Pro
• Uninstalling CC 2018 and installing CC 2017
• Uninstalling CC 2017 and installing CC 2018
• Installed old old CC (7.0) version and made a new project. same crash.
• Uninstalling ALL Adobe CC Suite apps, deleting all related files from Program Files, AppData, and Documents, rebooting, reinstalling JUST Premiere, reboot again, then try to use it
• Copying my old preferences/settings over from my previous rig
• Reset BIOS to defaults
• Changing Process Affinity for Premiere Pro to uncheck the CPU threads it's using. (it just moves to the 2 adjacent threads)
• Disabling Hyperthreading
• Removing mis-matched RAM sticks and confirming the 2 sticks in there are in the correct slots according to motherboard manual
• Various RAM combinations
• Increasing CPU VCore voltage to 1.200V and enabling Adaptive Voltage control per this Puget Systems article
• Setting process priority for Premiere to High
• running Premiere as Administrator
• leaving it alone for 30 or so minutes
• Running Premiere in Compatibility Mode for Windows 8
• Running Premiere in Compatibility Mode w/ Windows Scaling Override
• Changing my User Profile's Temp Folder (in System Environment Variables) back to default. (I had previously changed it to a secondary SSD.)
• Adding PPRo's .exe and PPro Headless exe to Windows Firewall exceptions.

Specs:

• Intel Core i9-7980XE
• Gigabyte Aorus 7 X299 Motherboard
• 16 to 80GB of RAM
• Nvidia GTX 1080
• OS & Premiere installed to an Intel NVME M.2 SSD
• Windows 10 x64 Fall Creators Update

Please help. I've been troubleshooting this all weekend...