Linked text boxes won't scale. This is nutty.

AI 29.7.1

So I've got these two text boxes, linked to one another. Column 1 follows into column 2.

I want to proportionally scale these text boxes AND the text so it ALL stays the same, just proportionally increased in size.

But the boxes increase, the text does not increase.

Or when I hold the shift key - the text increases gargantuan in the boxes, and the text boxes increase in size.

Outside of creating outlines and increasing the size to the correct proportions, which would suck because then I can't edit the text, any ideas?!?!?!?!?!

And yes, I quit out of Illustrator, and reopened Illustrator. Same result.