Why in the *&#$ can't I change the hotkeys?!?

Boy, I tell you—I need to learn to code so I can make a better pdf application; I despise Acrobat, it's like being roasted alive on a spit, while a bunch of starving canibals stare at you intensely. I'm sure the moderators will rush in to edit that comment right out for me—thanks, so helpful!

How have we made it to this day and age and yet do not have the simple ability to customize our own hotkeys? I pay Adobe good money every month of my life so I can use their products, and ya'll don't have the decency to permit me to change the bleeding hotkeys. Does that sound fair to you? It doesn't sound very fair to me. I give you my money, and you strongly disbelieve that I ought to be able to tailor your product to suit my needs. That's unconscionable. Not to mention that the application is slow as dirt, has crashed on me and been stuck numerous times, etc. Its in need of a rewrite, top to bottom. Frustrating torture device. Its main use to me is that it syncs with my iPad. I need to start looking for another option. 

Adobe, man—been using your products for quite a while. Very disappointed, in so many ways. I feel like a slave, though. I can't go elseware, I am stuck, paying you money each month, and dealing with your neglected software.