Creative Cloud crashes on launch. Can't uninstall, can't reinstall, can't open my apps (they also crash on launch). I'm COMPLETELY STUCK.
See title. Everything worked fine until today and I did not recently install new software or any weird new hardware. I did however have a power outage that rebooted my PC, and that's when this started happening. So something must have corrupted.
I'm on Windows 8.1 64-bit, everything's up to date. Uninstalling gives me this and does nothing:

I've already tried all the obvious things to do, including:
- Rebooting every time I tried something
- Running everything as admin when I try something just to be sure
- Using CCleaner to clean various system caches and the registry
- Downloading the Creative Cloud Set-Up.exe from various places all over Adobe.com
- Looking for those weird "AdobeFnt.lst" files and deleting them (they don't exist
- Manually deleting the Creative Cloud folder