Death by Customer Service: Insanity in 42 Minutes or Your Money Back...

...I know, a ridiculous title... Adobe aren't giving anyone any money back for anything.

But what they can give out, in abundance, is customer service so divinely awful and stupid, you sincerely wish it was a joke. Strap in for the ride, ladies and gentlemen, this one is a story (Tl;dr - Adobe customer service sucks, and their notifications are basically malware)

CHAPTER 1: The Set-up

Today, I got around to opening up Photoshop for the first time since about May. I never really did anything to 'get' Photoshop, it just was. When a friend first set-up my computer, he'd set-up drivers and had a few programs etc. on it, which included Photoshop. 

When I open the program, Adobe greets me with a giant pop-up, telling me that essentially my Adobe software isn't legitimate, and that basically that's a bad thing and they're going to disable it in 10 days. Fair enough, given I rarely used it I had never given it much thought, but now it's flagged, it seems entirely possible my friend got a dodgy copy someplace. So I think, well I'm not going to buy a stupidly expensive program to barely use it, and I don't want to steal software, so fair enough, I'll just let them disable it, so I close the program, thinking everyone is happy.

Everyone... except the pop-up. The pop up is not happy at all. The pop-up occupies most of the damn screen, and does not go away when the program is closed. No problem, I think, I'll just use that close button hanging around there in the top right... which they've lovingly greyed out (WHY INCLUDE THE DAMN BUTTON FOR IT TO BE UNUSABLE?). So I click the link for customer service on the pop up, this makes it go away... for a short time... because after a while the pop up returns in much the same way, angry, and in the way of the middle 80% of the screen, Luckily the chat window for customer service is in the bottom right which I can actually see. Unluckily, I'm talking to Adobe customer services, who are beyond terrible.

CHAPTER 2: Loading the Gun

I connect to customer services. Young, and full of life, qualities soon to be drained from my febrile mind. Straight out the gate (after the how may I assist and me explaining the pop up is in the way, but i'm fine with it being disabled thing), I'm told that I've had my PC checked and found wanting, my Photoshop/CC2017 is tempered. So now we know what no one was debating, and already knew, but with what certainly feels like, more invasions of privacy than before. Nice of them to open the service by just unduly routing through my files, apparently we're not even going with the illusion of customer privacy... nevermind... move on. I assure them, I believe them, and am fine with the disable Adobe seem happy to mention in 10 days, and that I wouldn't be buying nor using the software, but I would rather like the use of most of my screen space in the interim - can we get rid of the big ugly ass pop up made of  'we're checking up on you stealing our software... but for your own good'. I'm kindly told this is to protect me from malware - I don't know how this helps me close the window I've acknowledged, but anyway, Adobe got my back, protecting me from malware... by putting a huge uncloseable ad over 80% of my screen. Such charity. I bet the only reason they charge for software is to prevent people getting backstrain from carrying all that money around. 

I point out that this does not solve my problem... I am passed to the technical team. Good old Maynak will solve the issue of the pop up being in the way despite me being fine with disabling the software - apparently it's a tech issue and customer service don't do that. Okay... well, we go through the problem once more. Maynak's first response is to pass me back to Sakshi, who was our friend from the first part of this chapter. Sakshi declares I can solve the problem by uninstalling right now (What's the rush if you're going to disable it anyway?), I point out that whilst continuing the trend of Adobe's creepy you must do this, or we will impede the use of the rest of your computer (Cough, exactly like malware, cough), that is fine and I will do this, however... there is an issue. Some dumb ass publisher has stuck a giant pop-up window in the way that I can't close, move or resize, so I can't see most webpages except for the edges, or folders. Making uninstalling nearly impossible. Luckily, Sakshi has the solution. I can remove that pop-up that stops me from uninstalling, by uninstalling. Oh good... why didn't I think of that? Whilst we're at it... let's just solve world hunger by taking everyone out to McDonalds, and curing cancer by saying just get better. Nevertheless...

Half a league, Half a league, Half a league onward, into the valley of moronic customer service rode the... well, me I suppose. I point out the mild logical flaw we're having, Sakshi notes that this is a tech issue, and transfers me to the technical team. I think dear reader... we can skip the next 3 sentences. So, back with Sakshi I am for a 3rd time (reasonably irate at Adobe's dedication to both provide me with essentially malware, even though I'm totally okay with them ending service - apparently they're not fond of following through on this threat too easily. And provide customer service that make a decent proportion of the rock population look pretty damn good right about now).

Once again, I point out the problem, and the problem with their solution (uninstalling). I'm told that I'll be transferred to tech. I stop this happening, and persist with Sakshi. I am now told I was given a solution (uninstall) and despite that being a little bit creepy, and a lot bit impossible for me thanks to adobe, this is due to me being uncooperative. They, of course, can help me, but that's also my fault because I refused to be transferred to the tech team who are the people that can tell me how to uninstall it (I can uninstall a file just fine, I just can't do it blind). Besides, tech team didn't seem to have gotten the memo about them being any help. Sakshi has stopped even trying to be useful and is just obviously copying and pasting large bodies of text from a script, most of which aren't really relevant. Ignoring most things that require a thought out answer, or sending me links, which I can't see because most of the text is in the middle of the screen and I can't see that, thanks to Adobe. I was also courteously told 'Adobe does not spy on it's customers', but it will review and access your PC to check software and inform customers if it's not legal as and when it likes (the principal I actually have no problem with, the unfettered access and trying to dress it up like they're doing me a favour more so). I'm also told Adobe has not "infected" my PC (the infected, actually had those speech marks around it, which is extra worrying because I never said the word infected), only sending me messages to make me aware that I'm more exposed to malware via their illegally obtained software... by sending me messages I can't get rid, move, agree with, resize, they just perpetually sit in the way... kind of like Malware. Thanks Adobe.

CHAPTER 3: Barrel to the Temple

It is at this point I realise, I am either not dealing with a reasonable human or not dealing with a reasonable policy. Probably the latter. After 5 more copied and pasted directly messages most which don't answer anything just telling me of all the things Adobe are not legally doing to my PC, but in actuality, totally are, because they are enjoy your suffering, I ask can we just return to the actual issue, and work on what adobe can do to solve my issue (the immovable pop up) rather than what I can do to solve theirs (uninstall right now, with that screen I can't see). I am told, if I want, I can uninstall the software, and that they can connect me to technical team to guide me through that. Let's just say, I'm a little cynical that that will go as planned. The obvious assertion is Adobe aren't cool with me using any of my PC at all (thanks to their Malware) until I uninstall. I point out even if I can't uninstall first, they can help me get rid of the pop up, because come what may, adobe will disable the service in 10 days anyway, everyone gets what they want, and I'm totally happy to uninstall as soon as I can see it again anyway, they've made a fine case to not trust Adobe near my files. I am now told thanks to copy and paste script (after 37 minutes of 'support') that Adobe performs validation checks and if I recieve a notification that means my copy might not be valid. So... anyway, after 37 minutes the genuine licence customer service team has realised it's an issue about genuine licences. Still - the first second of eternity is one second closer, onwards...

I point out, this is information I'm aware of, and I'd like to find out how to remove the pop up that was programmed to sit in the way by their truly awful of an employer, so I can uninstall it, read website links their send me, play games on my PC, or anything that needs central vision. I'm told I was given the solution - to uninstall it. 

I explain, once more, their pop up is preventing this, and that they could help me remove the pop up because even if they don't trust me to uninstall the program, it'll stop working in 10 days anyway, or so Adobe says. Luckily Sakshi is here... Sakshi informs me, Adobe uses various methods to check for illegal installations and uses this to inform customers of issues relating to them, such as malware. Sakshi does not see the irony. Sakshi has not copy/pasted about 1 line in 12 messages. I suspect Sakshi is as bored with me asking as I am with her / him not answering. I now ask several questions along the lines of, well, if Adobe refuses to help can I use my EU right of anonymity not to receive any of Adobe's 'messages', it's not like I'm getting anything for free, Adobe are disabling it in 10 days either way. These are ignored, which I suspect was out of not knowing and not wanting to answer. After 4 yet more messages explaining that Adobe checks your computer for legit software yadda yadda yadda... I try one final time, explaining we are in agreement, we both think I should not use adobe, I'm happy for the 10 days to elapse, I'm even happy to uninstall, I'm just not happy to have my computer almost unusable in between. I get sent a link. A link that promises to solve my issue. The link is a page with some general looking text most of which I can't read, and a picture of the popup that is already taking up most of the screen. F**K THIS SH*T...

Chapter 4: Pull the Trigger

Adobe are clearly too busy working on eating babies, or making SARS grow on trees or whatever the next brilliant way to be an ass will be. All hope is now lost. The conversation is in vain. Sanity just begs me to at least get Sakshi to acknowledge they understand why uninstalling a program I cannot get to uninstalling might be an issue. This is bigger than Adobe, this is for the good of mankind... (I may be overselling it slightly).

After explaining I'm happy to uninstall, but they have to let me first, I'm told this is an issue for the tech team, and I will be transferred. I am worried this distracts from my goal now, of getting Sakshi to truly understand why this makes no sense. Maynak is back in the driving seat. For a whole 1 minute. Turns out, they think this is a genuine licence issue, and thankfully Sakshi is here. Destiny has delivered me to where I need to be. I'm promptly told I can solve this problem by uninstalling. I try to explain once again that this doesn't really provide the solution. I'm told they tried to connect me to the technical team but essentially this is my fault... I need to uninstall, and if I don't want to, I've stolen Photoshop, which apparently gives Adobe sole rights to my PC, and if I can't, it's a tech issue, and they will help me uninstall in no time... who knows maybe their 4th go at it will be better? Sakshi sends me a link to download... something. The download link is in the centre of the page. Guess what the problem is? Done? Yeh, Sakshi didn't manage that, but that's okay, they were not from technical team... or apparently logic team or basic understanding team or giving a sh-t team (clearly being with Adobe has rubbed off well). At this point we are past technical questions. I ask can her / him at least see the issue I'm having, that I cannot uninstall because the thing that wants me to uninstall will not move until I have done.

They offer to connect me to technical...

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Dear Adobe, I will leave you to guess what parts of my body I would most invite you to kiss, you awful, ridiculous, sadistic joke of a company. Whoever decided your customer service policies is a fine argument for hiring lifeguards at the gene pool.