Is there actually any way to get help from a person? Or does Adobe simply think we're a type of pond

You can go to Adobe Customer Service (make sure to sign into your Adobe account first)  and do not block popups:
https://helpx.adobe.com/contact.html?rghtup=autoOpen will automatically open the chat window.
Type "Agent" in the chat box to bypass the chatbot and be connected to a person.

You may also be able to contact Adobe by phone:
https://helpx.adobe.com/contact/phone.html

we're people.  and yes, you can contact a real human adobe support person, too.

what problem are you having?